My head feels so empty and yet so full. I have this weird sensation that tells me I should be doing something, but at the same time all the things that I should be doing can not be done at this instant. So I wait. And I hate waiting.
And that is why I have decided to put my thoughts on the paper (screen?) once again. I love the refuge that writing gives me. It helps me to say whatever is on my mind and in my heart, and to put things in perspective. And suddenly everything is not so bad anymore.
I must confess that my new year’s resolutions/plans are not going that well. I was supposed to be living in London by now, but if I had gone I wouldn’t be able to afford my trip, so I have decided to stay put for a little while. The moment that I have decided that, I felt so relieved. So I guess moving to London wasn’t such a great idea in the end, was it? The day after, I found this perfect little one bedroom apartment to rent in the centre of the town I currently live in, and I just fell in love, and I saw my future: office for my shop with the big desk, sewing machine and lots of fabrics, little brown ferret and a cradle in the corner of my bedroom- in 5 minutes I have figured out what I want to have in 5 years. The only problem is that I can not get that apartment now as well, because I have to sort out my trip first.
In the mean time, someone else got the apartment of my dreams, but I got to realise what my five year plan should be. Not to mention that I have decided how I would not make any decisions or plans anymore, until I came back from Thailand and Australia (so I shouldn’t have really been looking for the apartments in the first place…).
On the other hand, I have started to learn how to play guitar! How exciting is that? I know! My friend thought me some chords (A, G, E minor, C and D) and lent me this really cool dark blue guitar to practice on. It’s a bit bad… she said it herself as well… but, hey, it’s blue! And it’s good for a start. Also- learning how to play a guitar is freaking hard! Or maybe it’s just me and my weird fingers? I don’t know. I can see some progress, now after couple of weeks, but it really wasn’t easy getting there. And bear in mind I am only working on the chords that I know- how sad is that? If someone else has been struggling like that, thinks that it’s normal or just has some good tips to get better, feel free to comment and cheer me up.
Moving on to the big trip that is only couple of months away, and there are still so many things to do! I officially hate visas. It took me so long to even realise what type of visa do I need for Thailand and now I need to wait to get all the documents I need and I have no idea how long could that take. Sure, I only e-mailed my travel agent about it this afternoon, but still. What if she doesn’t get my e-mail? Or if she doesn’t know what to do? Or if they tell me they can’t send me documents? Or if it will take too long for them to send them? When I have to wait, all of this weird worries start coming to my mind and I can’t relax. My brain is trying to figure out the best possible solution for me to go through this and get everything that I need and manage to sort out my visa in time. But when I know that something is not up to me, then my brain has a problem and I can’t calm down. That’s how I end up tossing and turning in my bed until early hours unable to sleep. All thanks to the fact that something is not in my hands and I have to rely on other people. Trust issues? Checked.
So many others have survived this and travelled and came back and everything was extraordinary. I need to tell this to myself and chill. I can do this. It will be alright. There are other things that I can deal with and I should focus on those. Like making a pre-trip shopping list. Or going to the leisure centre to talk with them about swimming membership. Or buying a swimming suit. Or buying a swimming hat for the pool. Or figuring out where to buy a swimming hat? OK, I think I might need to work on that tonight.