Independent Happiness Seeker

Here I am, eating Crunchy Nut from the box and drinking cranberry juice in my bed, thinking about the fact that I am so unable to say ‘no’ to people, that I would probably end up in a relationship I don’t want to be in, if it weren’t for the look of utter disbelief on my face that makes the other person change their mind about liking me.

The most frequent word that comes out of my mouth is: sorry. Second one is probably: I’m fine. Well, that’s not one word, but yeah, you got the gist. I am so used to pleasing other people that sometimes I forget that I should be happy and that it’s completely alright to let other people do things for me- help me out, make me happy.

I remember once at the end of high school, I was on a holiday with one of my best friends back then, and I remember having a proper fight because she wanted me to make a decision about something I can’t even remember anymore. I just remember the fact that she was so pissed with me because I told her we can do whatever she wants to do, cause I’m not really picky and I will probably be happy with whatever she decides. After that she basically told me that I am lying and that I am as- selfish, I believe was the word she used- as anyone else in the world. I never understood why this was so important to her, and we kind of grew apart after that summer, but I never seemed to forget that fight we had.

I always believed that being nice to people can go a long way. It doesn’t cost anything and it can just make another person more at ease and happier. I guess somewhere along the way I stopped thinking how I shouldn’t go against me just to please someone else. Or just so that people don’t think I am rude.

It’s not rude to have your opinion and voice it even though it might be what someone else doesn’t agree with. Especially if it would stop you from being in a situation that you don’t feel comfortable in. Is it? I don’t believe it is, but still I find myself either being silent or making up an answer that is so diplomatic and vague and trying to make myself be polite without actually saying anything important. Which is kind of getting me nowhere… or just making me feel bad.

Which kind of brings me to the Mr Nice, my latest guy I have mentioned in the previous post. He is actually the one apologizing too much to me. He apologized for kissing me after our first date… For some reason he thought that might have upset me. I reassured him that everything was fine and that there is no need to apologize, but I still feel a bit weird about him doing that. I am so used to being on my own and taking care of my own happiness that I just can’t let anyone else do it. And he means well, but all of his niceness is just making me see how I am not ready to have a guy in my life.

He is everything a girl could ask for, but I just don’t feel like I deserve someone like that at the moment, nor do I know how to be with someone like him.

I can deal with people who only chat you up for 2 weeks and then stop talking with you. I can even deal with guys who I really like and who don’t want a relationship. But someone who is trying so hard around me… I just don’t want to hurt him. He is too nice person to be hurt.

And I am not even afraid about my feelings, because they have been through a lot and they will be fine. It’s just that Mr Nice doesn’t deserve that.

So one thing I have really realized with him is that after all this talk about boyfriends and being sad about being single, I know now that this is what I like being. I am not ready to commit. When I will be ready, it will be with my Mr Perfect (and he is out there, I know that). And considering butterflies are at the moment nowhere to be found, I can only conclude that Mr Perfect is definitely not Mr Nice. So my single life continues for now.


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