Past couple of months I have been dreaming of living in a studio apartment. I love my housemates, but I feel like I am not meant to be living with students in a student house anymore. I have so many plans for my business- that I am still not putting enough time into…- and I need some more space.
Also, I can’t decorate the place like I wish to if the place isn’t only mine to decorate.
I feel like now, once I am done with university, I am again in that weird place where I don’t know what to do next and what to be once I am not ‘student’ anymore.
Loads of my friends are already applying for jobs and moving out of their family houses or just taking a year to travel. But I have already moved out of my family house, and I have spent 2 years of my life just on deciding which course is best for me, and now when I should finally start working and doing what I like- I’m scared.
No…- I’m terrified, actually.
And it seems so safe to just stay in the same place and do the same job, because that is what is there, it was like that for some time, and it feels comfortable. To some degree. Because, to be completely honest, I really think that being a waitress is not for me. I am way too anxious and confused around strangers and unfamiliar situations, and I have been pretending to be this happy, talkative person who smiles at everyone (no matter how stupid their food requests or attitude might be) for way too long and just because I needed the money. I still need the money and have no idea what to do next, so I’m still continuing the acting game, but I won’t be able to keep it up forever…
I think my problem is that I don’t want to start something unless I know it’s going to be exactly how I want it to be. Silly, I know, but it’s part of who I am- my brain just works like that, sometimes I can’t stop it. And here I am talking about my shop. It’s something I wanted my whole life. And I’m not even exaggerating. Since I was a kid, that’s what I wanted to do in my life. So, now that I’m so close I just want everything to be perfect. I want photo shoots and great make up and set design the way I picture it in my head, and clothes that is just the way I wanted it to be… But all of that takes time and money and relying on my friends and when one is not working I just kind of take a break from everything until things are going to be better. They never really get better. Or I just miss it? Or maybe I just have to wait a little bit longer?
I got used to it by now, really! Usually I wait so long for everything that I want. Or if I get it on time, then there’s something wrong with it and I have to wait a bit longer for the real deal. Usually I would complain to my friends in person, but I know they can’t stand to hear more about my problems, so now I have blog. Enjoy, readers!
I promise I do get in better moods! I am currently working on costumes for The Wiz, that is going to be on at the end of this month, so once I finish those costumes (hopefully tomorrow), I will be ecstatic. They are all green- my favourite colour, so good sign- and I think they will look really good on stage. I really look forward to helping behind curtains with dressing up and everything. I miss being a part of the production.
So until next very complainy post- have a lovely time in your life and thanks for reading about mine!