So. I am currently at the pub across from coach station in London, waiting until it is 7pm and a time for my departure back home. I thought getting away for couple of days would do me good, but I am not so sure about it anymore. All I wanted was to get some time to figure myself out. And now I just feel like I came to all the same conclusions that I already had.
I have spent too long listening to everyone’s advices and feeling miserable. I have spent to long period of time surrounded by too many people that know what’s best for me and what I should do. My introvert’s soul could not take it anymore. So I did what I do so well and ran away. I booked a room in the amazing four star hotel in Kensington and stayed there for a weekend. To be honest the only reason why I spent so much money that I don’t even have (my amazing housemate gave me a loan until I get paid in few days ❤ ), was the bed. It was big and high and so comfortable, that I decided to skip breakfast on both of days, because I couldn’t get out of it. It didn’t help that I was put in a room that had windows only above doors and none near bed so I had to have my lights on all the time, even during day. Which means that when I would wake up around 9ish am my room would still be in dark and it just made me want to stay in bed even more.
So that’s what I did. I watched Suits for biggest part of my weekend. I never thought that series would got me that hooked, by the way! It’s still no White Collar, but it’s pretty interesting. Then when I finally decided it is time to get out of my room I went to V&A Museum to get some inspiration. And I did find some, actually. There was this one dress among the Fashion exhibits. It was knitted and it was a bit asymmetric, with this square bits attached to it. It looked like something I would be able to make and it made me think that the ideas I have for my costumes are not bad at all and that I should trust my instincts more. I also saw a video on how to make wooden surfaces look like they are made out of gold, and I really want to try something like that on my paintings. Currently I am really into Klimt and painting is a great stress relief for me, so that is something I need to do sometime soon.
This weekend I got rejected by one guy I thought I liked, as well. I kind of hoped we would finally go out this weekend, because I was in the town where he lives, and it seemed like the most obvious thing to do. I guess only to me. And it wouldn’t be that big of a deal if he had actually said ‘no’. He just never said anything. He probably never will again. In my opinion, ignoring someone’s messages, when you want to reject them, is worse than telling them that you just don’t want the same thing they do. I would always prefer to know what exactly is going on, than to be left without answers and then lower my self-esteem with every new reason I come up with for him to not reply. And this entire situation just made me realize how much I want to have a partner. Maybe it wouldn’t help me to figure out what I want out of my life, but that is definitely something that I need at the moment to be happy.
I didn’t really expected that to be my realization after this trip. But I guess what I can do now is honour the ultimatum I gave to myself: that when I come back I would do my best to finish my degree. And in my spare time I will try and knit more stuff for my store, make more covers for my YouTube Channel and paint some paintings inspired by Gustav Klimt-to keep my mind of the fact that what I really want in my life is a boyfriend.