I don’t know what to do with myself.
Again, I am in this limbo, some space in between my past and future, and I am thinking too much. About everything. About what I really want. Maybe it’s just this thing that happens to all almost graduates. In few months I will need to know where am I going next, am I staying where I live now or moving; am I applying for jobs in theatres or am I going to stay a waitress for a bit longer and then apply to study in Canada; or do I want to do something completely different? Currently I am looking into million small courses in art or painting or sign language or psychology. And it’s not like I want to do them because they will help me in my job later on. I am just generally interested in knowing those things. So I thought why not learn them? Isn’t life supposed to be about living, and living about doing as much things as you want that make you happy?
Up until now, my problem for not doing things I wanted was always money. But now I work and I have some money. So I keep asking myself: why not? Why not do yoga and meditation and fencing? Meet some more people. Be happy? What is stopping me? What am I so worried about? That things won’t go according to plan? They never do anyway.
Why am I so afraid of living?